Cut and action

It's been five months since I've cut myself. Today, I will. I hurt so much. It's a week before exam week and I feel like I'm crumbling. I feel over weight and ugly. Stupid and annoying. My heart feels like its breaking, it honestly feels like pieces of it are breaking off. I hate myself. I figure, if I can be smart and have a nice body, everyone would love me. Maybe I can even love myself for one..

Hurt Heart

It's funny in a sadist way. "My heart hurts" It's the line I use when I've been hurt by the person I've been talking to. I tell them i'll lay down. All they said is "GET BETTER". I wouldn't have felt that way if you didn't make me feel that way. It's a squishing of my heart, my lungs breather shallow, goosebumps cover my body, my throat tastes like vomit. Sometimes, I want to sneak out of my house and cry alone in a park. Laying down. Pretending I'm dying. I'm not a happy person. :) I like to act like that to people. Only two people can make me just plainly happy. It's sad how I like to close myself off to the world, but alot of people don't try to reach me. Oh, how my  heart hurt. It hurts so bad. I wish people would realize, sometimes I'm not asking out to bother you, but I thought you'd be please if I did something that would make you proud. I just needed help. It's okayy, I let my heart hurt alot. You'd think that you'd worry alot more when someone's vital organ wasn't feeling well. Nobody does though. It's fine if my heart hurts. I'm used to it. I learned, others are more important than myself. So it's fine. Let my heart hurt. I'm not important. You are. Everyone is. But me. My heart hurts. It's fine, nobody askes. Nobody cares. It hurts more than you think. The pangs of pain for trying to make myself better for everyone. It's fine. I'm okay. It's my fault. Let me cry, let me die. My heart hurting will never go away.

Let me wilt

I don't know why, but I have this thing about not worrying people about my feelings. I don't want to be called stupid, or selfish. I want everyone to be happy, everyone but me. I feel sad alot, but I smile. I hate the world, but I love my friends. Most nights I cry, days I smile, for people like you. I feel ugly and hated. My heart bleeds. I teell people I don't feel well, like I'm sick. I want to vomit out blood. When I don't feel "well", it means I don't feell loved, I want attenetion, I just want someone to ask me how I feel. Nobody does. They just say "get better". My heart bleeds more everytimes. Just tell me you don't want my feelings. Let me wilt. I'm just a little girl, who dreamed of a little world.

Meloncholyy~

     So, I feel sad. I feel like I fail everyone and everything.

    Today, my boyfriend told me, " And I thought you were different , but appearantly not." i was in a car with my parents when he said that, it hurt to much. I cried silently in the back seat. Later he said, "You're starting to be like those girls I don't like."

   I DISAPPOINTED THE ONLY PERSON I TRY FOR! HOW DO YOU THINK I FUCKING FEEL!? I've wanyed to die more and more. To find out the only person I try for, I disappointed, does it seem like I have a need to live?

    A good two weeks ago, I wanted to die, so very much. One of my best friends tried to out bad her life, when I feel crappy? Do you think that makes me want to stay? No, IT DOESN'T! She's like "their are people who have it worse out there" Okayy, Other than having not parents, or being below the poverty line, they can't have it worse, and you know what I think to myself? Shut up, just because I don't talk about shit, doesn't mean shit doesn't happen to me.

      My mom is constantly boarder lining if she'll die or not, but she thinks I'm crazy for a stupid thing I'd done. You know, she really thinks I need mental help. Because she think's am mental, it gives her a "reason" to hit me. She wants me to visit therapy. I've stolen, so all my family thinks I'm indebted to them, yet beat me BECAUSE they think I''m in debted to them. I don't even know if I'll pass High School this year because I've failed way too many classes. I'm always sick, not cold and stuff, but it's hard for me to even not pass out in class, since my parents will yell AND beat me because they think I'm just crying for attntion. I'm overly Anemic. I'm so bad, the docters think I may need transfutions. That's not the only think I suffer from, high risk of cancer and diabetes. Constant infections and high fevers. I suffered from buliema in grade 9, 10, and some of 11. So when I feel fat, you know what I do? I barf. It's not even on purpose anymore, I just find myself vomit-inducing. My future job? All my dreams were crushed forwhat I truly wanted to be. You know why? Because, I'm my mom's last hope for her children. I can't pick anything else besides a job in health care, because my mother plans on disowning me if she does. My older sister, HATES me. She's horrid, everyday, she distroys my self confindance even more by saying "if only you were skinnier.", "I mean, I GUESS you're face under alright." I feel UGLY EVERYDAY!! She hates other races, and thinks that i should marry a white man, jsut like the way my mom thinks. My boyfriends vietnamese. We want a future together. My dad, abused and abuses us. Sometimes he said "I should just kill you guys when you're sleeping. Do you think that's very safe? No, I'm scared when I do something bad. He stares at me in disgusted most days. My parents fight alot. You know, they were even separated for the years. I had a brother, he died. My best friend in kindergarden died in a car crash, another one appearantly commited suicide. My uncle died when he had just become my best friend. The first guys I dated, dated me because he felt sorry for me on my birthday, and dumped me a week later. All the others (besides my current boyfriend), just wanted to have sex with me. Growing up, EVERY years, I was backstabbed into being a meek little girl. I don't get close to people because I'm scared another one will backstab me, AGAIN. Theres more I could name. Like how I disappoint EVERYONE I love. But, you know, who care? Who honestly fucking care?

     Just, don't you DARE act as if I haven't been threw alot. Cause, you know what, FUCK YOU.

Wash Away

  WOW, it's been like SIX months? Yeahh, six months since I've written a post. I'm not gonna lie, it's not a big deal that I haven't. I've been sad, lately. I feel sick, as well. I don't want to eat, but my body needs it. But I'm over weight as well, for someone who's 5'1. I'm FREAKING 142. WHAT THE EFF IS THIS!? I'm so obese. All my mam and sister ever say is "YOU NEED TO WORK OUT MORE!" So rude. My mam doesn't think it is. She said it's not rude if I'm her daughter. It makes me feel like crap. I've heard it from friends, I've heard it from guys, I heard it from school, I heard it from doctors, I've heard it all in total. I should be 20 pounds lighter, but I'm not. And it's not because I lack excerise, I take gym(BY CHOICE), I'm on the Rugby team at school, and I take marial arts. Don't tell me I need to excerise more when all I ever see you do is ride one for those house bicycles every three days for one hour.

   I try to make myself skinny. I wish I knew how I could attempt it.

   My school just made a class for aquatics only, and I thought "HEY, why not? I know how to swim. Maybe, my mam will feel proud for me. Maybe, I'll be the skinny daughter she wants so much."

    My father said that I HAVE to work out everyday if to be skinny. I try. He doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm fat because I have a big ass. I have a small chest, which doesn't make me feel any better anyways. My legs have muscle, but it also has it's still jiggly. I cry in my bed everytime he says I'm fat.

     My body, it's like a 12 year old + J.Lo's ass. You see how well that work? It doesn't. I want to be a normal teenager. Have breasts that fit in B cup bras. A waist that's 25 inches. Slim legs that are to die for. Measurements:Waist 27, Hips 41, Bust 32. I'm even under average height. I have a stomach that looks like Chornic Hunger. My arms don't have muscle, but it has this jiggle. I feel ugly.I know their are people fatter than me, but they look great, their tall, shaped well, pretty. While, I'm misproportioned, feeling hidious. I just feel fat.

...

Why can't I be the way I used to be?

Frustrations

           Ya know, I've never admitted this, but I always tend to take out my frustration at the people I know outside of my house. I could never take it out at home because I'd get hit. I get hit alot to be quite honest. The family believe in "Nobody's around, the others won't know if I hit her." Lovely concept they have. I feel bad for everyone else, because I'm a pretty big beach. I think I'm this stupid now only because I've suffered so much blunt force trama to my head. It's unfair I'm so mean to everyone.

Unfair

             AHHH!! I haven't written a post down here since July 6th appearantly. That's a LONGG time considering It's not October 11th.

             So, Ya know what sucks shiz? Having my family. I can't dye my hair, STILL and I'm 17. While my sister's got to dye their hair when they were even BEFORE teens. DUH HEW!? Eff man. I can;t have a boyfriend. DUDE, THEY DON'T EVEN TRUST ME WITH GUYS! THEY DON'T EVEN TRUST ME OUT LATER THAN TEN!!! Eff this. Today I came late home because of Martial Arts. So A few minutes ago, my dad past by and he's like ".. go fucking shower AT 8:30" WHAT DUH FEQ! I'm 17 going on 18 in about half a year, and I CAN'T EVEN BE TRUSTED WITH SHOWERING!? What kind of fecking life is this when you can't even trust me to shower? What a piss off. Than I got a rant about not eating all my food at ONCE!? DUH FEQ! And for being on to long? when i'd been on for fifteen minutes. Like honestly, I want them to eff off :/